On Comedians, Bears and Twerking

I'd like to start this next blog with information regarding one of my gurus, mah man, George Carlin.  I've learned how to see through a lot of bullshit from this guy, a true gift if you're going to make it out of this life laughing.  I think it's time I learned a little about the man himself.

1. George Carlin dropped out of high school in the 9th grade and enlisted in the USAF to get his HS equivalency.  He was discharged not long after and labled "an unproductive airman."  He never went to college.

2. To twerk, according to the indefatigable Urban Dictionary is to perform a hip hop dance move meant for a female (although, boys you don't let anyone tell you how to live) that involves shaking, jerking and twitching her buttocks in a sexually provocative manner.

3. Living in Colorado, it's important that I learn to appreciate the natural habitat and wildlife.  Sometimes, to truly appreciate something, you need to encounter it face to face and then run away from it screaming.

According to some, if you ever actually encounter a Grizzly Bear, like this soothing example nyah, you are truly, and totally fucked.  The death will be brutal, not quick and painless in any way, and probably super gross.  A black bear is far more manageable: upon sight, start acting like a very loud, drunk and crazy son of a bitch.  Scream, wave your hands, make that fucker believe you have a hoard of unholy spirits residing in your accursed soul.

If you have pots and pans, clang them together, like a 5 year old who laughs in the face of the absurd adult concept of peace and quiet.  Rattle the heavens!  Scare the Bear!!

You also have the option of the seemingly rational decision to RUN THE FUCK AWAY.  Do it uphill, at an incline.  Trees are an instant fail.  If you climb a tree you are now a sitting nom.  You can also do it downhill.  The bear is a gigantic, lumbering murder ball and will run much slower than you as it goes down so it doesn't fall on its face like a goon.

You also have the option to play dead, facing the bear. Never EVER turn your back to the guy. This will most certainly get you maimed or killed.

Lastly, if you have to fight it, it's best if you have pepper spray.  Or a gun.  Hopefully you have the wherewithal to know how to aim either of those things.

4. The best 10 cities in the world for street art, according to Art & Leisure, are:

New York (specifically Brooklyn and Manhattan), Berlin, Los Angeles, São Paulo, London, Melbourne, Paris, Buenos Aires, and Bethlehem on the West Bank.

I would like to personally add San Francisco to that list as well.  I lived there for just under a year, but there wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't ensconced by the saturation of public art in that magical, wild place.

More of this goodness here.


5. Praying Mantis will eat anything they can fit into their mouth with their spear-like forelegs.  They've been known to eat lizards, birds, rodents and small scorpions.  This makes them the honey badger of the insect world.

Wataaaaaaah!!!

Rainbow ninja assassins like this are my spirit animal.  Not to be fucked with.